Monday, April 9, 2012

It's Monday again.

To recap the week, it was pretty good. The weather was springtime-y, which is a nice change. Lots of work got done on the business side of things, which is very good. Dearest bought me some new clothes, which I love (despite hating what size they are). It was a good week.

And then Sunday happened.

Don't get me wrong, Sunday was pretty good for most of the day. We went to mom-in-law's church first because we thought she'd like that - and she did. Then we went to our church and the videos that were part of the Easter production made me cry as they always do, and then we went to hang out with my brother in law for a little while.

But then we went home, and Easter attacked me.

Easter and I haven't gotten along very well for the past five years. There are some old and deep wounds I thought had healed by now but are actually still lingering and just waiting for any sign of instability or loss of control to bring them to the surface. For some reason, moving furniture is enough of a trigger. I didn't know this, so when Dearest decided to move the furniture around into a more efficient and presentable arrangement, I flew off the handle without really knowing why. There was a massive fight that was mostly me not wanting to let him win because it felt like if he won, I had to lose. Then, as usual, my energy was spent and I was okay and just needed to curl up in a ball and cry the rest of the emotion out and be held.

Except, when you spend two hours fighting with your spouse just so you don't have to lose, he doesn't usually come out of it terribly inclined to talk to you, much less do the cuddling thing.

So the week was good, but last night sucked majorly. I'm still recovering from it, as evidenced by the sudden major breakout on my forehead and the fact that all I really feel up to right now is sleep. But, there's work and house cleaning and whatnot so on we go.  Hopefully by the time next Easter comes around I'll be better equipped to handle any surprise attacks it may bring, and it will actually be a good day for us. This year, it just wasn't. But, the up-side of that is that nothing that happens this week could possibly be worse than that, so I'm set up to have a pretty great week.

Day 4 - the most heartbroken you've been. Tell the story.

How ironic.

Heartbreak is a funny thing, in that people always talk about it like it can only happen to you if you break up with a boyfriend or lose a child. But there are many, many things that can break a heart. Especially a fragile one.

At 16, I had a fragile heart, and life at the time shattered it.

When I left J, the pain was so deep that I thought I wouldn't recover. I was dealing with the death of a good friend and the loss of an intimate relationship at the same time and I felt so completely broken that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to be anything but broken. But at the time, I wasn't thinking about what that pain was as compared to other times in my life.

From Easter the year I turned seventeen to May the year I turned eighteen, my heart was broken. That feels like such an understatement. Life, and the place that other people's choices had brought our family to, were too much for my fragile heart. I don't like to talk about it, because the depth of the pain embarrasses me, and because I know other people involved in those situations have recovered and moved on, and I don't like to drag people back. Suffice to say that Easter that year was the worst weekend of my life, and the worst year of my life followed it, and Easter and I haven't gotten along since. I guess I'm still healing, and I wish I could speed up the process. I wish I could forget the way others can. But for now, it is what it is. Thank God I have another year before I have to deal with the next Easter.

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