Thursday, April 26, 2012

Deepest Secret

Question: have you told anyone your deepest secret? If so, what was their reaction?

I don't really have any secrets anymore. The closest I come to secrets are the few that I hold for a few people who are close to me - those I have never shared - and the things that I will probably never mention outright, but if I'm asked about it I'll answer...probably in as little detail as possible. The latter used to be secrets, but I got tired of holding secrets, it's too much work.

I have told my Dearest these things, back when they were secrets, and his reaction was always much different from what I expected. Where I expected a freak out or something along those lines, he just took what I told him in stride and then endeavored to help me with it.

For example, one of those used-to-be secrets that I don't mind sharing with others voluntarily is that I used to lie...a lot. To the point where there are portions of my childhood and teen years where I don't remember what the truth actually was. I remember things, but I don't know if they're the stories I made up and convinced myself of - because to be a "good" liar you must convince yourself that what you're saying is true - or if they're what actually happened. I'm talking about huge blocks of time where I just don't remember what the reality of the situation was. I don't want that to ever happen again. Right after I left my ex, I was having a really hard time fighting the old habits. I didn't want to feel like he had destroyed me the way he had and so I tried to convince myself otherwise. When I told Dearest about this, and that I was worried I was slipping back into old habits, he helped me stay honest by prying into the things I said and finding the faults in the story - and then not letting me imagine up a cover. It's actually kind of funny now, but that's just an example of how he's handled these things.

1 comment:

  1. I think there's something inside everyone they are just afraid to let other people know. Usually because they are ashamed of it and afraid other people will be ashamed of tham as well. My mother shared one of her secrets with me when I was pregnant with you...I appreciated her chosing to be voulnerable to me in an attempt to help me out in what she thought was an impossible situation. I think that it did her heart good as well because it was something she held onto for so long. I try not to keep be as honest as possible even about things that hurt or that I'm not proud of...pretty much for the same reason as you, I was a liar. I was convinced I was an honest person yet most of what my life was up until I had you was a strange and seemless blend of reality and fiction. For years I fought against being dishonest. It was hard. D helped me allot. When we separated and I totally backslid and lost my senses, I fell right back into reasoning out my choices and motives which led right back to dishonesty and escape into fantasy. That, as you know, wasn't so long ago...only 4 short years ago did God put His foot down and get me back to my senses. I'm grateful for that and regret the hurt that I caused at that you, the other kids, my wasn't a good time. But the point is, God is able to break any chains. It's us who chose to take up again what we were freed from. I'm so proud of you for recognizing something from your past that wasn't good for you. I'm grateful that your husband is mature enough to help you overcome it. I pray that you stay free of it, by God's grace and the power of His Spirit :)