I'm not sure what week in the year it is, and I don't think I care.
This week has been good for us in a lot of ways. We had our first $1000 day followed by a $400 day. We're getting customers and referrals and projects. We're doing well.
But I, personally, seem to be spinning out of control. I've realized, yet again, the depth of my lack of self discipline. I can't seem to make myself say no when it comes to the things I want.
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm spoiled.
Un-spoiling yourself at 20 is hard. In fact, it's downright painful. And for someone who (for some god-awful reason I don't understand) relies on things like sweets and fast food to manage stress, it's also crucial.
I've started crocheting, which helps. It probably has something to do with a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling that I *can* get something right. In times where our survival is so far out of my hands and I have to admit to strangers and their pushy little girl scouts that we just don't have the money for cookies, that feeling that I can make something come out right is really important to me. The only issue is that it's not helping enough to quell my embarrassing desire to shove every fatty, sodium-rich, or sweet food into my mouth.
So this week was good, but painful. And now I have to figure out where to go from here, because it sucks to feel like you're not getting something you really want because you're not strong enough to say 'no' to a doughnut.
Ok...this may sound really lame, but check out sparkpeople. I anly suggest it because, if you think about it I'm sure you know, I have the same problem. Food is the only way I have ever "treated" myself. I have never allowed myself to want expensive things or even mediocre thing..lol because I had allot of self worth issues from growing up the way I did to deal with. So when I feel bad about myself I "treat" myself to something that will eventually kill me..awesome logic there. Anyway, I also love to cook and I do it well. So I have always used food as a way to show you guys how much I love you. Special meals and desserts has always been my way to show love. I'm trying very hard to break that habit and I joined sparkpeople for the accountability. You might like it...It might help you with the resolve and information you need to break that habit. You are so amazing and beautiful, talented and intelligent...I know there are days where it's hard to see because we expect our circumstances to reflect our value, but they just don't. The truth in life is we don't get what we deserve...good or bad. There is a purpose to what we do get though and seeking to understand that is a great way to get to know God and ourselves. I love you darlin. Hope this journey leads you somewhere beautiful :)
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